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He is a hustler, he's no good at all
He is a loser, he's a bum

He lies, he fluffs he's unreliable
He is a sucker with a gun

I know you told me I should stay away
I know you said he's just a dog astray
He is a bad boy with a tainted heart
And even I know this ain't smart

But mama, I'm in love with a criminal

And this type of love isn't rational, it's physical
Mama, please don't cry, I will be alright
All reason aside, I just can't deny, love the guy

And he can go to hell for making me believe

He's got a smile like no other

And i thought he's the one after 3 yrs of waiting

But he's a flirt, a liar, a sucker

15/10/13

assholes

most of the assholes will try to get into ur pants while onli a FEW will respect YOU.
I could NEVER differentiate between them. i STILL don't . n i'll NEVER will. so dun giv a damn. 
who needs a man . 

15/10/13

u dere?

i wan u.. i wan u back...

2 yrs hab passed n i still wan u..

all the conversations, ur jokes, ur laugh .. everything played in my mind.. it still does.. n m sure it will.. in future.. 

ur expressions.. ur innocent looks n behaviour when i first saw u .. some 8 yrs back.. when i had a big big noo! BIGGG crush on u ..which was a common thing.. to hab a crush on a senior from ur school.. 

frens think tht m crazy.. n i dun deny it..

i asked god to help mi.. help mi move on . n yes i did tried to find another n i found but he appeared to b the worst i had ever met .. or mayb the time wasn't ryt.. or mayb i never gave him ur place.. 

i still remember i was on cloud nine when i finally found u after like 6 yrs.!! imagine!! n i was like - FINALLY! THANK U GOD! :D

but it didn't last. all those good moments came to an end. u moved on . i never did. i tot i did .. but i realised tht i was jus tryna forget those memories created.. i deleted every single thing tht was connected to u .. and still u were everywhere.. i found u in mi.. alive.. following mi...

it's 100% true tht i'll loose u forever.. 

n it's 101% true tht i'll never be able to forget u.. n tht u'll never noe bout it..

i noe tht soon u'll b another person's.. jus tht feeling makes mi upset n wana cry out loud. 

i dunnoe y god is doing this to mi. i waited 6 yrs. u fulfilled e promise. u broke it again god.. n m still waiting since 2 yrs... 

i try million ways to move on. to knoe others . yet.... 

SOO WHAT NOW?

it's 10.39 p.m and my dear blog.. u're the onli one i hab who listens to me w/o complaining.. 
IT'S easy to LOVE a person but it's DIFFICULT to hate him/her... it onli lasts awhile...
every human being on this EARTH noes.. how difficult it realli is to survive in a society.. to be SOMEONE! to be accepted in a society! and it's even more difficult to start a family. it starts off from two people who love each other and the number increases. it's difficult to start a family but it is even much MORE HARDER to maintain a stable family. IT NEEDS EFFORT! IT NEEDS TIME & PATIENCE AND MOST IMPORTANT - understanding and mutual respect.


it faces challenges and problems along the way. but sticking through all those storms is wht makes a family. it gotta learn from it. it's like a group of people holding hands together to make a circle. sumtimes one might get bored and tired from holding his/her hand, and break loose.. now tht's when the circle breaks. it's unstable. and others too might suffer from it. sometimes the person may come back or leave the circle forever. 
and SUMTIMES they're there but choose not to hold others' hands n make a perfect circle. 
now it's the duty of other members to welcome tht person in the circle again, to gib him/her the importance and respect.


i used to say BOLDLY "family comes first! family comes first!" when i reached the age of ten . i doubted it. 
when i reached 12 my voice got softer but still said "family comes first!"
as yrs passed and i grew older i lost the confidence of saying tht family comes first. i lost it all. as each year passed, a bitter truth revealed itself. a more heartbreaking story from the past or an ugly truth/ event took place. wht could i do? i couldn't shout or scream. noone listened. i onli cried. i cried bitterly, as long as i wanted, alone - at nite. but the next day i couldn't show my tears to anyone, because i chose not to show. after all .. wht could they do? wht could my frens do? n closed ones do? feel sry for me - tht's all. tht's all.


as i grew older.. i decided to face it. to help tht member get inside the circle. i tried being nice - it failed. i shouted - it failed. instead i was threatened. tht's when i realised i had no power. i had no control. no control over things tht happened. so wht could anyone do during tht situation? YES. I. AVOIDED. IT. perfectly. blocked my ears, i closed my eyes and i moved on in life. to do wht? to gain power. to take revenge for the hurt and pain.  to be someone. someone whom ppl listened to n respected to. 


BUT. this failed too. because as i said - it's difficult to hate the person . IT. ONLY. LASTS. AWHILE. 
and make peace not war. m gonna give it another chance. i hab decided after giving it a good thought. because i can't forever run away from problems like i did in the past. like the circle. it comes back to me again n again n question me . WHAT HAB U DONE AS A MEMBER OF THE GROUP? 


definitely i hab doubts n fear. a TONS OF QUESTIONS - wht if this fails? wht if dad decides to shut me off like last time? wht if he doesn't change even after my hard work? wht if this leads to another big fight like the one tht took place last year in june? i might survive.. i will survive but wht will happen to my brother n sister. THEY need love n attention from both the parents. and NOT ONLY ONE!


keeping all these things in mind. and TAKING THE RISK. m moving on in life. to end this year meaningfully. to achieve something. to make the circle perfect. 
after all i too.. wana shout out to the world boldly SOMEDAY that "FAMILY COMES FIRST!"

wht's this feeling ?? i noe i hab felt it before but it never lasted thisss long.. it has kept me thinking for daysss and nightsss now...
i know my own frens are angry and yet and yet, i can't do a single thing. i can't tell them the truth . wht has been bugging me so much lately. n wht happened to the old rupa who could speak up so easily w/o any fear.. 
y m i holding it back now? y can't i tell them straight .. wht's the problem. is it because m afraid they'll get mad? upset? or is it because i hab no hope in this frenship now? knowing tht they might all hab "expiry dates" .. like my previous frenships too.. the same frenship.. the bond .. tht made me think n plan about our future has now vanished.. outta ma mind... the bad inside me is constantly telling me tht noone can understand ur problems except you, urself.. and the good inside me says - jus open up, they'll understand. 

aloha!

m visiting my blog after a veryyyyy long time.. it feels alien to mi now lols.
it's 1.25 a.m now. listening to nicole's don't hold your breath. i can relate. tht's wht i gotta do. don't hold my breath. although it has been a disaster for me. the people whom i hab known for ages, whom i hab trusted ... has disappointed me. a lot. the past week has been like an open book, turning it's pages on its own, letting me look at the ugly hidden truths. i can't do a thing. n the more i think about it the more it scares me bout future. wht it beholds. but i guess the most scariest thing is - i don't have a plan. YET.

why

now i hab gotten wht i wanted..
but y do i feel so unhappy??
is it because i succeded in separating two frens from each other??
since when did i become so evil n ruthless??
wht did i do???
i was tired of crying..
i was tired of questioning myself every day n nite
when they were close.. i felt like i was always in the middle..
i felt as though they shared a special bond betwenn them..
i felt as though she was taking him away from mi

n now i hab succeded in separating them.. n gotten wht i wanted..
but y do i feel as though m the reason for his unhappiness??
y do i feel tht he's jus accepting this separation jus for my sake??
it's like he doesn't love mi but he jus feels sorry for mi..
he's jus doing this to make mi happy..
but wht abt his happiness??
all those past memories are unforgettable..
we were so cute..
his actions was so cute...
his tries to get my attention was jus...
but after he met her.. it's like he wasn't happi wid mi anymore..
like as though his happiness didn't lie wid being wid mi..
his happiness was in seeing his best fren happi..
his happiness was in seeing his best fren smile...
his happiness was in providing his best fren a helping hand..

i felt as though he was fading away ..
he's like a small child who seems to b attracted to whoever he meets..
he's still like a kid who believes in others' crocodile tears..

in tht case wht could i do ??
my own love was going away from mi .
he was tryna change mi ..
make mi like his best fren..
wht could i do after all than to separate both of them
but now// \
now i feel as though m the evil one here.. WHY GOD WHYYY ??
I WANT TO B BACK TO NORMAL.. I WANT TO B THT SAME OLD GIRL who was happy go lucky..
whoa was never insecure.. who never had to worry about being left alone.. but who used to help others n give advice to others..
since when did i become so helpless n alone=??
wht exactly is this feeling godd..
i wud rather die than to hab this feeling.. pls pls pls pls help mi...

i dun wan to snatch another person's happiness jus to make myself happi...
pls god.. i want him to tell mi if he's unhappy wid all these..
i want him to b honest wif mi if he feels restricted...
i want him to tell mi honeslty if my scoldings to him isn't unacceptable..
because it will at least give mi a good feeling..
it will at least tell mi tht m doing right n not wrong..
pls god pls..
i realli dun wan to snatch other people's happiness
my happiness is in his happiness.. pls
god help me.. show mi a way '