u dere?

i wan u.. i wan u back...

2 yrs hab passed n i still wan u..

all the conversations, ur jokes, ur laugh .. everything played in my mind.. it still does.. n m sure it will.. in future.. 

ur expressions.. ur innocent looks n behaviour when i first saw u .. some 8 yrs back.. when i had a big big noo! BIGGG crush on u ..which was a common thing.. to hab a crush on a senior from ur school.. 

frens think tht m crazy.. n i dun deny it..

i asked god to help mi.. help mi move on . n yes i did tried to find another n i found but he appeared to b the worst i had ever met .. or mayb the time wasn't ryt.. or mayb i never gave him ur place.. 

i still remember i was on cloud nine when i finally found u after like 6 yrs.!! imagine!! n i was like - FINALLY! THANK U GOD! :D

but it didn't last. all those good moments came to an end. u moved on . i never did. i tot i did .. but i realised tht i was jus tryna forget those memories created.. i deleted every single thing tht was connected to u .. and still u were everywhere.. i found u in mi.. alive.. following mi...

it's 100% true tht i'll loose u forever.. 

n it's 101% true tht i'll never be able to forget u.. n tht u'll never noe bout it..

i noe tht soon u'll b another person's.. jus tht feeling makes mi upset n wana cry out loud. 

i dunnoe y god is doing this to mi. i waited 6 yrs. u fulfilled e promise. u broke it again god.. n m still waiting since 2 yrs... 

i try million ways to move on. to knoe others . yet.... 

SOO WHAT NOW?

it's 10.39 p.m and my dear blog.. u're the onli one i hab who listens to me w/o complaining.. 
IT'S easy to LOVE a person but it's DIFFICULT to hate him/her... it onli lasts awhile...
every human being on this EARTH noes.. how difficult it realli is to survive in a society.. to be SOMEONE! to be accepted in a society! and it's even more difficult to start a family. it starts off from two people who love each other and the number increases. it's difficult to start a family but it is even much MORE HARDER to maintain a stable family. IT NEEDS EFFORT! IT NEEDS TIME & PATIENCE AND MOST IMPORTANT - understanding and mutual respect.


it faces challenges and problems along the way. but sticking through all those storms is wht makes a family. it gotta learn from it. it's like a group of people holding hands together to make a circle. sumtimes one might get bored and tired from holding his/her hand, and break loose.. now tht's when the circle breaks. it's unstable. and others too might suffer from it. sometimes the person may come back or leave the circle forever. 
and SUMTIMES they're there but choose not to hold others' hands n make a perfect circle. 
now it's the duty of other members to welcome tht person in the circle again, to gib him/her the importance and respect.


i used to say BOLDLY "family comes first! family comes first!" when i reached the age of ten . i doubted it. 
when i reached 12 my voice got softer but still said "family comes first!"
as yrs passed and i grew older i lost the confidence of saying tht family comes first. i lost it all. as each year passed, a bitter truth revealed itself. a more heartbreaking story from the past or an ugly truth/ event took place. wht could i do? i couldn't shout or scream. noone listened. i onli cried. i cried bitterly, as long as i wanted, alone - at nite. but the next day i couldn't show my tears to anyone, because i chose not to show. after all .. wht could they do? wht could my frens do? n closed ones do? feel sry for me - tht's all. tht's all.


as i grew older.. i decided to face it. to help tht member get inside the circle. i tried being nice - it failed. i shouted - it failed. instead i was threatened. tht's when i realised i had no power. i had no control. no control over things tht happened. so wht could anyone do during tht situation? YES. I. AVOIDED. IT. perfectly. blocked my ears, i closed my eyes and i moved on in life. to do wht? to gain power. to take revenge for the hurt and pain.  to be someone. someone whom ppl listened to n respected to. 


BUT. this failed too. because as i said - it's difficult to hate the person . IT. ONLY. LASTS. AWHILE. 
and make peace not war. m gonna give it another chance. i hab decided after giving it a good thought. because i can't forever run away from problems like i did in the past. like the circle. it comes back to me again n again n question me . WHAT HAB U DONE AS A MEMBER OF THE GROUP? 


definitely i hab doubts n fear. a TONS OF QUESTIONS - wht if this fails? wht if dad decides to shut me off like last time? wht if he doesn't change even after my hard work? wht if this leads to another big fight like the one tht took place last year in june? i might survive.. i will survive but wht will happen to my brother n sister. THEY need love n attention from both the parents. and NOT ONLY ONE!


keeping all these things in mind. and TAKING THE RISK. m moving on in life. to end this year meaningfully. to achieve something. to make the circle perfect. 
after all i too.. wana shout out to the world boldly SOMEDAY that "FAMILY COMES FIRST!"

wht's this feeling ?? i noe i hab felt it before but it never lasted thisss long.. it has kept me thinking for daysss and nightsss now...
i know my own frens are angry and yet and yet, i can't do a single thing. i can't tell them the truth . wht has been bugging me so much lately. n wht happened to the old rupa who could speak up so easily w/o any fear.. 
y m i holding it back now? y can't i tell them straight .. wht's the problem. is it because m afraid they'll get mad? upset? or is it because i hab no hope in this frenship now? knowing tht they might all hab "expiry dates" .. like my previous frenships too.. the same frenship.. the bond .. tht made me think n plan about our future has now vanished.. outta ma mind... the bad inside me is constantly telling me tht noone can understand ur problems except you, urself.. and the good inside me says - jus open up, they'll understand. 

aloha!

m visiting my blog after a veryyyyy long time.. it feels alien to mi now lols.
it's 1.25 a.m now. listening to nicole's don't hold your breath. i can relate. tht's wht i gotta do. don't hold my breath. although it has been a disaster for me. the people whom i hab known for ages, whom i hab trusted ... has disappointed me. a lot. the past week has been like an open book, turning it's pages on its own, letting me look at the ugly hidden truths. i can't do a thing. n the more i think about it the more it scares me bout future. wht it beholds. but i guess the most scariest thing is - i don't have a plan. YET.